This, along

While I love Princess Two, I feel the need make my case.

• It is all about them. I have to pee! I am hungry! I want juice! My Barney! I want to watch Cinderella again even though I watched it twice today and I won’t really watch it but if you turn it off I will come running from the other room and catch you putting in Transformers 2!
• They never pay for anything. They are always expecting you to pick up the tab. What?!? Don’t they have jobs?
• They never want to eat anywhere you want to eat. They always want to eat somewhere that serves chik’n ‘nuggets. What the fuck is in these chik’n ‘nuggets that make the kids want to eat them all the time? And then they don’t eat them all. They take little bites out of them, and then move on to the next. Why can’t they finish a whole chik’n ‘nugget?
• They can go from zero to bitch in like milliseconds. They can be sitting there quietly and suddenly screaming as if the space time continuum has just ripped down their back. What the fuck is up with that?
• They have no sense of loyalty. You are their best friend as long as you have something they want, but if someone else comes in with candy, juice or chik’n ‘nuggets, suddenly you are nothing but dirt. I swear, they make you feel like you are a whore and they left a quarter tip. And if Barney enters the picture, suddenly she acts all badass like she doesn’t even know you. I hope she knows that Barney is not real. It’s true. I read somewhere how all dinosaurs are extinct, so barney has to be a gecko with a glandular problem. And while we are at it, Elmo is a gay tweeker. I read it on PerezHilton.com.
• They are dirty germ riddled vermin. You can wash them, dress them up in the prettiest clothes do their hair but don’t turn away for 5 seconds and come back. If you do, it is all over. They will be disheveled their hair will look like something the bride of Frankenstein would wear and the will be dirty from head to toe. Where the hell do they find chocolate all the time? I can’t find it when I am looking for it. I think they hide it just so they can get messy when we are not looking. And they always have something hidden in their diapers. Why is that? Are they saving it for later?

Seriously, if this was one of your friends, wouldn’t you show them to the door? I am not sure how we survive as a species.

“Hi, Mom”, I answered

“What are you doing after work?”, she asked, sounding more like Earnest Borgnine than any  woman should.

“I guess I am doing something for my mother”, I sighed.

“Bring me some cigarettes, something to drink and a candy bar to St. Joe’s.”, she barked.

Suddenly I am worried, “Oh My God, what are you doing at the hospital? What happened?”

“Nothing is wrong with me, they took D—away in an ambulance just now, I am going there now.”

Much more calm now, it is only her current boyfriend. She has already killed off two of them, but this one is just a little older than I am. Damn she wears the men out.

So I finish up my work and leave 30 minutes late. I stop by the grocery store to get all that she wanted because I hate standing up at the convenience store with 20 people behind me and announcing that I need a pack of Misty Menthol 100’s. It isn’t the manliest point in my life when I have to get her some smokes. It is like not only do I have to get the girliest brand on the planet “Misty”, but the regular size is not good enough for me, I have to ask for the extra long ones. Yeah, you won’t see that on the cover of Sports Illustrated Magazine.

I stop at the “Gay” Safeway. I say “Gay” because this is the store that most of the gay couples shop at. When I worked downtown, this was my favorite spot to shop. I felt comfortable. So I gather up all my stuff and go through the self check out and then hit the customer service counter to get the cigs. There is no one behind the counter, but it usually takes just a second for them to get there. But while I wait a young gay couple shows up and waits in line behind me. They are one of those preppy gay couples where they are overly thin to the point of being anorexic and one is nelly and bitchy.

The customer service rep comes running out of the back room and to the counter. She asks me what she could do for me. “Misty Menthol 100’s Please.”, She looks at me with obvious disdain, waddles back to the cigarette case and pulls out the small box. “No he bigger box please”. She looks at me again and shakes her head slightly. The gay couple are now whispering to each other and the overly feminine one is now standing on one leg and bouncing his other foot like a hyperactive flamingo.

The clerk returns and asks me “Is there anything else?”. I say no, real quiet and ashamed like, and she starts to ring me up and tells me to slide my card. I slide my credit card and she says no, you have slide your driver’s license first. WTF? What is this? Is the government now tracking who buys tobacco products? Is this why mom sent me here? My driver’s license has not been out for quite a while so it takes a little longer and I hand it to her, she runs it through her machine, then tells me to swipe my club card so that my driver’s license will be on the card when they come in, and then swipe my credit card and would I like to add my credit card to my club card so that I only have swipe one card from now one?

NO! I don’t want all that. I just want to go home and watch Glee!

She didn’t even bother to give me a bag so I had to carry them in my hand, where everyone could see them. As I walked away, the feminine guy says real loud, Marlboro Reds, Box.

Funny, he sounded just like Earnest Borgnine too.

Now Angel sends the most interesting pictures of all my friends. Not the good kind my friend Akito sends me that reveal body parts, but interesting ones. So I scrambled through the 14 messages sent to me since 4 a.m. (yes I am popular) to find the message.

I open it up and there he is dressed in a 70’s outfit, and dutchboy haircut, a guitar and what appears to be black face. I say a little prayer and text him asking him if he is wearing blackface in a government office?

“No”, he responds “I am wearing brownface”. (I am serious as a heart attack he really did say that) He sends me another picture and he is indeed wearing makeup to appear darker than he already is. You gotta love him. He truly is this innocent. He really doesn’t know. He blushes when you say the word “vagina”. So I explain to him that black face is modifying your skin tone to appear African American. I explain that it is offensive to some because white people would dress up in black face because minorities were banned from appearing in movies. I tell him to look it up on Wikipedia his favorite source of knowledge.

He is mortified. He is upset. He can’t believe it. I tell him he may be okay because he is already a minority, people might not get upset about it. But to be prepared for it if they are.

He responds “Tom (my boss) saw it and laughed and said to stay away from Tina Turner”. Yes Angel, the whitest man in America didn’t realize blackface was offensive. The man who thinks Mac and Cheese with Mayo is an ethnic food, has deemed your costume acceptable you are not going to offend anyone.

I love his innocence, but also his naughty side. He responds, “I have black in me if you count A— (his boyfriend)

I respond back “If you have your black boyfriend in you at work, then we have a whole other set of problems.” He didn’t respond back.

I love Angel, it is never dull around him.

Here is how it has gone down so far.

I got the offer on the 2nd.

On the 9th my boss called me at home and asked to meet with me. I figured it was about the new job. It was, but he was pissed that I knew about it already. He tried to talk me out of it. Praised me up and down, telling me that I am too good for the job. Blah Blah. Been working for him for 6 months and this is the first words of praise I have heard from him.

So it is out there. I was supposed to meet with him 3 times since then to go over my assignments and reassigning them elsewhere. He keeps bailing on me. I have kept it muted in my approach to telling people. Normally there is an email announcement that goes out to everyone, but because this one meeting hasn’t happened, the email hasn’t gone out.

I told a friend and he didn’t really react to it. I told him before my boss even knew about it. I don’t really know how he is taking it.

I told my Twin and she has been very supportive.

JP doesn’t care one way or the other as long as I keep feeding him.

I told a co-worker, and she was very supportive about it. Then I told the other co-worker and he was supportive but then turned into a complete asshole about it. “Oh they offered me that job 10 months ago and I turned them down”. Really? And then they didn’t fill it till now? Wow, they must have been waiting for the right person to fill it.  I just let it go. No need to antagonize people at this point.

I mentioned my leaving to one of my staff and she got pissed off. But finally congratulated me and then said just make sure I don’t get G—— as my supervisor!

I visited another friend and told him that he wasn’t to tell anyone. He immediately ran and told his new supervisor, who went into hysterics and had to take two days off because “Rick is the only one that understands me!”

I told another friend, and they just abandoned me. Acted like I don’t even exist any longer. I am okay with that.

Friday, I met with my staff and we had a discussion about me leaving, and one said “Fuck” out loud, another got tears in her eyes, another was way too eager to get me out the door. The last co-worker I told spent a large part of the meeting trying to convince me that it is a sucky job and when I didn’t take the bait tried to tell me how it would be easy to lose me because I didn’t do much anyway.

Yesterday, I told my favorite manager, and she was very happy for me. Almost too happy, she is still mad at me for sending her to clean up another office 3 months ago.

And today I got the start date. November 16th, My former fiancé’s birthday, by the way. I am excited, but also nervous. I am excited to be in a new career track, but also nervous about doing a good job. I am excited to learn new things. The best thing about my new job is that I will be a “geek” in the IT department! WooHoo! Get me a pocket protector! STAT!

Wish me luck.

I don’t know what is wrong with people anymore. The economy sucks no matter what the pundits say. Politicians still can’t agree on anything. H1N1 is killing kids and bitches still want to bring their sick asses to work and spread their cooties around. And then these Furry people with their cartoon porn of Killer Whales having sex with wolves? WTF! People faking news to get on the news and then the news reporting on the fake news as if it were really news when it really isn’t news! And dammit, why the fuck can’t Heroes get their act together? The whole world is pissing me off and I just want to take them out back and tie them to a rock.

I don’t know why. I think it has to do with all the whining. I don’t want to! Where is my change! Why can’t we do it like we used to! Glenn Beck is a putz! Oh wait, that last one is mine. I have got to get me some other TV channels because I am paying way too much attention to what is going on in the world now. I need my sweet sweet Cartoon Network back just so I can enjoy the satirical laughs of 10 year old Family Guy and leave all this talk of rising oil prices and nuclear enrichment behind. I don’t want to think any more! I don’t want to find myself at 3 in the morning reading articles on what is so important about October 26, 2009. I need my TV back. My mood reflects the idiocy around me. No more can I take the man who turns west in the east bound lane and then parks expecting everyone to get out of his way. I am tired of it. Give me back my unlimited channels with nothing on, so that I too may return to the happy ways of the masses.

Sorry, I am in a really bad mood. Have you seen the new Train video? I love it!

I hate Facebook. The only reason I keep one is to keep connected to people, that I barely can stand, so on the off chance that I am fired in this next round of budget cuts, I have some people to lean on for a new job.

It was okay for a while; there was no pressure, until my supervisor’s supervisor added me as a friend. Now I am expected to server her every whim in this game called Farmville. I must send her presents of gratitude every half hour, or I will not be one of the Golden Ones.

You see, there is a game I like on Facebook. It is called TriviaSomethingICan’tRememberThoughILikeIt. I had been taking these quizzes, and came upon one that I knew I would suck at, but Gay Son would love. Sex In The City Mega-Quiz. I have never watched Sex in the City. I have seen parts of it of course, but never a full episode. However, Gay son is a bonafide fan.  He has every episode and the Movie saved to his Mac and he watches them over and over again. So I figured he would score great. This would be a great way to improve his self esteem.

I took the quiz of 20 questions, I got 6 correct just by guessing. I challenged him to beat that score. He took the test and got 18, and posted “I guess that means I am gayer than you”. By the time I got to work, it was out that Gay Son had said “I guess that proves you are gayer than me.”

During a meeting, Crazy Fundamentalist decides to confront me about it. “Why did that guy post that on your Facebook?”, Unperturbed, I responded “Because he is gayer than I am. He is gayer than every person on the planet. He is gayer than every person that ever lived. So it isn’t saying much” Crazy Fundie, just looked at me. “That is not what it said”, he said with obvious disdain. So out comes my trusty Blackberry and I open Facebook and show him. It says exactly what I said it says.” Crazy Fundie looks at me and says “Sorry”. I replied “Don’t be sorry” made a few clicks, making sure he saw me doing it, “There,  you won’t ever have to be “sorry” about it again.”

Now that I hate MySpace because I was accused of getting in people’s business by reading their profile, and now fighting with Fundies on Facebook, where can I go? Is there a place for assholes on the internet? Oh Yeah, it is called

Me: I feel like shit. I ache all over, and I have a fever. It has to be 107 degrees. Hand me the thermometer so I can see if I need to go to the hospital.

(Taking temperature, handing thermometer to JP)
Me: What does it say?
JP: 96.3 degrees.
Me: WHAT! It lies! I have SARS! I know it! Give it back.
(Taking temperature again and handing it to him again)
Me: It better not say 96.3 degrees again.
JP. It doesn’t.
Me: See, I am sick
JP: It says 96.2
Me: See, I am dying, I have the anti-fever!

Someone explain to me why the guys I am attracted to are attached, jerks, married, straight, or mass murderers or some combination of the above. Is it because I am only attracted to those that are emotionally detached and if truth be told, I am a shallow individual who is so afraid of emotional contact that I seek out those who cannot have any type of lasting relationship with me?

Anyway, I feel like shit. But on the bright side, my twin is having a ultra cool give away. Go enter to win a cool sock monkey and a chain saw. You can give me the sock monkey!

Let’s talk about porn. I like to tease that I spend my time on the computer surfing the porn sites but in truth, my porn is usually geek sites like GayGeek.org or GayGamer.net. I am not adverse to seeing naked people but usually the only porn site I do support is GuysWithiPhones.com(NSFW) and if truth be told, I am not usually looking at the guys, but at their homes(NSFW). I love cracking jokes on the crap they leave in their pictures.  Don’t they know they are being photographed? Don’t they know someone who can help them decorate? You have to assume that most of them are gay, so don’t they know a decorator?

I do have a problem with people who want to censor what adults can see or do. These are people who usually believe that nudity is wrong or that sex is dirty. As long as it is between consenting adults, there is nothing wrong with either one. I am a firm believer in if you don’t like porn, don’t look at it, but don’t tell others how to live their lives.

Yesterday, while perusing one of the geek sites, I clicked on this guy’s web page to check out what he was about. Okay, he was cute, and I wanted to see if he was gay.

He was definitely not gay.

I clicked on the link and immediately regretted it. Right in front of me there was about 50 pics of animal sex. I am talking women and men having sex with animals. Why would people even want to do that. I was trying to close the tab, and just as I closed one tab another would pop up. As I furiously tried to shut the window down, in walks mom. If she saw anything, she didn’t say anything, but I quickly got her out of the room.

I hate geeks. They are nothing but trouble.

I know, I said I never would post lyrics on this site, but they are important components to the tale I am about to tell.

What do these two songs have in common? Both of these are songs that I have chosen for JP’s ring tone. I like giving people songs that remind me of them. The twin has “I kissed a Girl”, by Katy Perry because she would be the only girl I would kiss because she really is a gay man in a woman’s body. Not like Duvh who is a “Promiscuous Girl” in a gay man’s body. Angel has “Gives you Hell” by All American Rejects, because quite frankly he gives me hell about everything. As a side note, his mom’s ring tone is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley for obvious reasons.

When I had the Rumor, I had “I think I love you” for his ring tone and he loved it. He thought it was the neatest thing since sliced bread.

When I got my Crackberry, I couldn’t keep it so I went to find another one and settled on “Who’s your daddy” by Toby Keith. It just fit. And he agreed to it.

This week, there was a discussion about his ringtone that went something like this.

JP: I think you should change the song that plays when I call?
Me: Your ringtone? Why? I thought you liked it?
JP: Well I do, but I don’t think it is good song for you to have at work?
Me: What do you mean? It is just a song, there is no bad words in it.
JP: What if people find out…
Me: About us?
JP: Yeah…
Me: First and foremost, I don’t care what people think about my ringtone. Who the fuck cares? You do realize that when the phone rings, I am the only one that knows who is on the other end? So unless I tell them it is my fuck buddy on the other end they don’t know it is you? Second, I am in the closet because of you. You have kept me there. I am not saying that it was a hard choice, but truly, I would not stay in the closet if you weren’t holding it shut. Do you get my drift? And finally, do you really think that I am fooling anyone? Really? I am a 42 year old man, who has never been married, never talks about girlfriends and show no interest in the women I work with. I work in an industry with 75% women and a full half of the men are gay. My parents live with me and my “best friend/brother” is the only person that comes to visit me at work. And he is always bringing me something! Add to that I am not the straightest acting man in the world. Do you think the people I work with haven’t figured out that I am gay? Do you?

Ever see the look in a puppy’s eyes when you slap them on the nose with newspaper and they don’t know what they have done wrong? That is the look he gave me. He withdrew the proposal.

That was Wednesday.

I thought about it all week. I was overly harsh. I shouldn’t have put all that on him. He is sensitive. He is scared. On Saturday, I gave him the website and told him to go pick a new ringtone. A ringtone he liked that would make him feel better, safer.

As National Coming Out Week winds down, I add my story to the millions of others. For whatever reason you are in the closet, it is your choice of when to come out. No one should be pushed out. Yes, there is strength in numbers. Yes, I suspect that there would be a lot of surprised people if everyone came out. But there is no one who can tell you when you are ready buy you. Only you know your situations. When you do make that leap into the open, I hope that you will have someone there to help you.

So what ringtone did JP choose?

Cows

Mooing

It is as annoying as you think it is.